Hochuuami Returns: Cell Saves the Snails
by Hochuuami
Summary: With renewed life, Cell discovers the human world is not as he found it, becoming the unwilling watcher of the people he thought so little of. Hochuuami greets all the new Cell fans inside, so please read. Note: Cell is not a hero or a villian in this fic
1. Room of Infinite

To any staff/robots who read this: I have a very low opinion of you; you've caused a lot of strife for a lot of my friends who post here, and now they don't write here anymore, or really at all. I don't know if you're still being spelling Nazis, but quit it, okay?

Disclaimer: Cell and DBZ as a whole belong to Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, and others; they do not belong to me. However, Lucy, Embra, Beauregard are all mine, as is the idea behind this story. Don't for even a second think that you can use any character you see here without talking to me. Remember, a person's characters are their babies, and you don't know half a wit about them anyway.

And now, without further ado, more ado.

I would like to bring your attention to me, because I like me, me is cool. I've returned from a LONG hiatus I never intended to return from. Why? One reason.

New blood. There are new Cell fans to corrupt, and what better way to make contact then to write a fic?

So please, by all means, talk to me, review and contact me. I'd love to get to know you guys. I promise I'll try not to disappoint.

**Chapter One**

A dark, cold room - a small lamp light shone dimly on a lonely, modest set up of desk and office chair. The cavern like quality of the room made the smallest sounds echo and intensify. The limited light made the walls and ceiling seem nonexistent. With the exception of the floor, the room seemed to stretch on and on in all directions, limitlessly. As the figure at the desk reflected on these things, she marveled at the nickname her humble workplace had earned.

The Room of Infinity. Infinity Office.

No one except her felt comfortable in this room. For you see, no one else had mastered her methods of understanding that which appeared infinite. The key to taming this room's intimidating nature was in knowing that it had limits and walls. "In the face of uncertainty and seemingly endless darkness, " pondered the entity, "one will remain in control so long as they perceive without seeing..."

There was a knock at the door, which reverberated throughout the room from unknown origin. She took a sip from a mug of some steaming beverage, then set it aside. "Enter."

A rectangular silhouette appeared, a thin line of light pouring through the spaces where the doors and walls did not provide cover. The doors - there were two, made of oak - opened, allowing light to create a vivid white square on the floor, upon which the black shadows of two figures were set firmly. The first figure wandered into the room with noisy, squeaking footfalls; the second followed with caution, evidence of a bit more experience. She regarded them with silence, not batting an eye or even moving her gaze.

"This is the man you asked for?" The second figure, a lanky and rather boyish female spoke timidly.

"Thank you, Embra. Close the doors, please." It wasn't direct confirmation, but then, Embra's master wasn't one to give anyone a straight answer. Perhaps she liked making people think just a little more.

When darkness had once again flooded the room, the figure shifted to make herself comfortable, then spoke to the creature Embra had been so kind to retrieve. "Is the temperature adequate?" Her lips barely moved, and the man wondered if she breathed.

"I don't pay attention to irrelevant things." Responded the armored figure, very clipped and precise in his speech. This time it was clear; he wasn't breathing until he was forced to use his voice. The girl at the desk noted this with a smirk.

"Irrelevant? Ah, but you seem uncomfortable. Is it the language then? Do you prefer another Earth-tongue? Tabun ... nihongo?" It had been a while since she'd talked to someone new, and though hours and days didn't matter to her, she was enjoying it immensely.

He was getting annoyed, but it was barely seen, beneath the flash of his hot colored eyes in the darkness. "This language is fine. Please get to the point. We're wasting time." He paused after the brief snap he'd made. "Why am I here?"

"Ah! But isn't that a question we all ask at some point!" She smiled broadly. "Why are we here? Why is anything here? Well, some say it started with a bang. Others say that Creation was on the whole a very big mistake that made a lot of people very upset-"

"Madam! I have little patience for this! Please get on with it!" Muscles tightened in his neck and he clenched fists.

"Relax, warrior. All in good time. Relaaaax." Purred the woman, growing calm and serious. He forced himself to be calm as well. "Good, good. We're making progress. By the way, would you like to be alive again?" She uttered these words in the same breath, as though it were a trivial matter.

He would have snapped again, but her last query made him choke it back. "N..nani?" He'd blurted his native tongue in his excitement, but she didn't repeat herself. Instead, she rested her chin on interlaced fingers, elbows propped on the desk, and she watched him. He felt as though his armor had become cellophane (Cell-ophane, haha).

"Assuming you can, what's the catch?" Murmured the creature.

"No catch, no games. Of course you'll be supervised on and off," she waved a hand dismissively, "but I'm sure you expected something of that nature... you just need to do one little thing for me." 

"Ah-ha..." He allowed a triumphant look to spread over his sharp, stark white face. "So what are you, the devil? I suspected that dimwitted fool at the checkpoint was a fake."

She laughed. "I can see how you'd make that assumption. What if I am? But we are getting off topic, aren't we?" She rustled through some papers, feeling magenta eyes trained on her. "Now, you're name is Cell, correct?"

Cell grimaced. "Yes... And your's?"

"Oh, I don't think divulging my name is necessary yet. Why don't you call me something of your own choosing," she caught the gleam in his eyes, as he thought up a number of derogatory names in several languages, "with a gentleman's discretion, please."

The android smirked briefly. Though this person was annoying as hell, he admired her sharp wit and courage. But he could play games too.

"Lucifer."

She stopped. "...Pardon?"

He grinned, and for a moment he was more than a dead mortal. He had a smile like Beelzebub. "Lucifer, or perhaps Lucy, for short. You seem favored towards a feminine appearance."

What issued from the woman's mouth next was unearthly and chilling, causing the darkness so thick in the room to shiver. Her laughter rattled with a hint of deep-rooted madness and a very long life. "Oh my! Well, I AM flattered!"

"But back to business, Cell. Or Seru. If you've preference, please voice so." She ruffled the papers once more and scanned them. "You're currently charged with mass and multiple murder, attempted murder, destruction of government, public, and private property, terrorism... may I stop there? You've an impressive resume." He grinned, ferally. "Ah, I'll assume that's a 'hai'. Do you willingly admit to these crimes?"

"I am not a human, why should I be bound by their la-" He began, but she stopped him.

"You are an Earthling - No, no. You are earthborn, that's enough. And, Cell, as an Earthling, you are expected to carry yourself with some discretion, even if you aren't human. But you didn't act discreet, did you, Cell? Will you admit that?"

He was quiet for a long few seconds. "Yes, I admit this. I did as I was programmed to do, and I did not behave in any discreet or ethical manner. Killing and terrorizing people is my purpose." Words were coming out of his mouth a little too easily for his tastes. It was unnerving. Was he having a civil conversation? God forbid.

"Indeed." She lowered her eyelids. "With your actions in life _and_ afterlife in mind, would you say you deserve to live once more?"

"Androids don't deserve. It's a function, or a sensation we cannot..." He was suddenly seeing gray where there were lines between black and white, "experience." Why was it so hard to find words?

Rattling chuckles fluttered like bat wings against his ears, but she didn't reply. He suspected she wouldn't until he said the right thing. "Hn." He tried again. "Well, if it's about the safety of the universe, than no, but if it's really about me... Hell is a waste of my ability."

She watched him with no change in expression, settling for his second attempt. "That troubled you some."

He snapped immediately. "Nothing troubles me. Now what did you want me to do?"

This elicited no reaction. She then, with no curve to her lips, smiled at him in a maddening way.

"Save the world."

And now for some trivia. See if you can guess what happens next and what not.

Trivia 1: The beverage the woman is drinking is demon's blood.

Trivia 2: The story referred to in this story is KASH's Cell's Breakout. I actually wrote this story a while back and never intended to post it, so that had always been my way of saying hi to her.

Trivia 3: Guess what, this isn't a Cell romance, but it is Cell centric.

Trivia 4: Embra wasn't always a girl.

Trivia 5: Lucy referring to creation being a mistake that upset people is from Hitch hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

That's all for now.

Hochuuami

AIM: BioAndroid21 (careful, Cell might answer ) , Hochuuami


	2. Save the What?

Here's chapter two, doodly doo, having life problems is fun, uh? Thank you two people for commenting. The rest of you are a bunch of bungholes and bullcakes. Anyway, to answer the majority out there – it doesn't NEED to be a Cell romance. Trust me, he's not romantic unless he's got ulterior motives. That's how Cell is. He wouldn't love. He's built out of logic, not feelings – unless they're carnal, like fighting. And yes, if necessary he might seduce man or woman to get them at a disadvantage. He's just a jerk like that. He thinks he's the coolest thing in the universe and that killing and terrifying others proves so. I'm a big girl and I know a little of what I'm talking about. But this is all just my opinion.

By the way, if I haven't mentioned it, I said I'd give another author rights to Bug Bite, but I think I'll take it up again myself. Does anyone want that?

Has anyone noticed how much of a dumb butt is? Just watch, I'll get my stories deleted for saying it. WATCH.

Anyway, for those of you watching, here's ...

* * *

**Chapter 2**

"S..SAVE THE-" He spluttered for an instant, then burst out laughing. Finally he contented himself to chuckle and calmed enough to form words in a single tongue.

"Save the world," he repeated, taken off guard, "You're asking the wrong guy. Heavens around us, your asking the wrong department. I destroy things, Lucy, dear. I don't protect them. Now, if you need someone to save the world, again, may I suggest the Z-senshi. Son Gok-"

"Son Goku is dead and doesn't care. Son Gohan is in high school and barely reflects on the pain of being fatherless. The senshi you speak of are harshly under-qualified for the work I would  
appoint you to."

The room was silent for a long time. Lucifer had snapped at him, in something carefully bordering agitation.

Cell raised an eyebrow, undaunted, but spoke slowly and with clarity. "And...why are the senshi not qualified to save the Earth?"

"Because they're complete idiots." She blinked innocently, as though it was obvious. It was the kind of obviousness, Cell would later note, that wasn't spoken of except through the blunt statements of children. But for now, he smiled grimly, and laughed again, much more reserved.

"Ah, yes, I suppose they are. One too many blows to the head, I imagine. But what do brains have to do with it? Is the enemy strong?... Is there an enemy?" Magenta eyes searched her for signs of deception, but he found nothing - not the slightest tense of a muscle.

"There is something you must combat on Earth. Only a choice few can fight it. Only a sliver of the lovely population even acknowledge it. And it eats their souls away, day by day, away away away... " She waved her hand, drifting it about like a falling leaf, giving him loopy smiles.

"You're mad." He snorted curtly.

Lucifer giggled. "Tabun, chotto. Will you accept my conditions?"

He sighed. "I suppose I can help the world out a little before I blow it up. On a more serious note, you've told me near nothing about the nature of this undertaking."

"Ah, Cell...have you learned nothing...?" Eyes glittered mischievously.

He smirked uncertainly, inwardly disgusted at his lightness of heart in conversation. "You aren't going to tell me, are you? It's just part of your game, and I have to learn the rules on my own." When she smiled, he continued, lowering his eyelids some. "You're a strange creature, Lucifer, but very well. I very much want to be alive again. But uh...you're not going to turn me into a girl or something like that,  
are you?"

"Ah, no. I thought about it. But that'd be plagiarism and probably get me attacked by rabid llamas. It's a good read, though. Seen it?" ((wink))

"I have not had that pleasure, no..." Cell seriously doubted he'd ever know what she was talking about.

"Mnah." She explained. Sipping again from her cup, she called for another servant. It was a bulky, well muscled giant of a man, though no giant to Cell. He had a shaved head with fuzz on top, and piercings on his lips, ears, eyebrows, and arms. The android noted that his shirt was probably too small for his torso, and perhaps he'd removed his sleeves for a feasible reason instead of a superficial one. The man did not close the doors fully behind him.

"This man givin' you trouble, sir?" The man cracked his knuckles. 'Sir?' Cell raised an eye ridge.

"He's Perfect, dearest Beauregard. Take him to the fitting room and get him everything he needs to get started. This man's going to save the snails."

"Oh...right, okay." He gave Lucifer an apathetic look. Then he looked at her meaningfully and made a gesture like he was scribbling on his hand.

"Oh! But first, Cell, you need to sign this." Lucifer caught herself and shuffled through papers quickly, then simply dropped them and went into her desk, fishing around. Finally she dug out an ornate piece of fancy parchment with gold and dark ink decorating the borders. It seemed to be something of an agreement.

For the love of himself, Cell couldn't understand a word of it. It was written in a language he didn't recognize and each symbol was more confusing than the last. At the bottom was a rather foreboding line, welcoming of signature. As Cell held the paper in his hand, focused solely on how it did not warm where he touched it because he was dead, she offered him a pen.

It was not a fountain pen, it did not have red ink. It was a ball point out of a cheap 3-pack. He could  
recognize the brand. He didn't take it.

"You called me Lucifer. I never suggested it."

"You didn't reject it either." He growled gently.

"Why would I buy something already tainted, if I be him? Young friend, things are not always as they appear to be. In the darkest of places, there is always a light. Look." She gestured to the black syrupy air that surrounded them, then pointed to the light coming from his halo. When she had stood up, he could not recall, but she brought her hand down to his chest, poking it lightly.

"You can create light, survive in the coldest and darkest places there are..." She smirked, rivaling his previous one. "You needn't trust me. But you can afford to trust yourself. The light always wins over the dark."

Very uncomfortable, he snatched the pen and flashed it across the line on the paper. His name appeared clearly and neatly, with no fancy add-ons. The ball point on the pen smoked slightly from exertion, then fizzled. He did not hide his displeasure. "I have no intention of calling you master..."

She raised a hand for silence; he obliged. "I never asked you to. Simply show my servants courtesy... and mercy. Don't kill them, please." Her lips curved in another fretless grin, more malevolent than the serene, curveless smile she had greeted him with. He wondered if she ever did any real work.

Lucifer sat down and set the contract aside, watching out of the corner of her eyes as Cell left with Beauregard. The doors sounded out in the dark as they closed, and the Infinite nature of the darkness shrouded her once more. She began organizing her desk again, pushing all the papers back into her recycle bin.

Not one of them had the list of crimes she'd read aloud earlier. Most of them were blank.

"Even the deepest darkness is just an absence of light. It's the Shadows you have to worry about..."

She reached over to the desk lamp and clicked off the light.

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Does anyone go on please! XP

Hochuuami/BioAndroid21


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